i've been keeping a private journal on notion.so for a while, but i figured a public one wouldn't hurt as well.
1 : today started out okay. i listened to some good (trap) music from the City. i found some old songs i used to listen to on the radio. despite it being more than 7 years old, it still resonates.


2 : then, talking to d was good, until it wasn't. it felt like he dangled bait, then reeled it out of my grasp. who the fuck does that ? my mood's ruined. talking music, love songs, then i asked one vague question, he gave me a straight answer. i wish i never asked. i wish i didn't exist. i wish i wasn't too hopeful. i wish i didn't fall so hard. he's not my safety net anymore. he's not a soul mate. i need advice from my therapist. i don't wanna know anymore. he's not mine. he's made it apparent. what the fuck. ow...
3 : fucking hate him. I HATE HIM. i can't just stop talking to him. apparently i still love him. but what chance do i have of trying again ? NONE. fuck him. toxic. i was just thinking maybe he wasn't so bad. yet he keeps fucking up. there's no point in holding on. what we had was good and bad. holding on when he doesn't want to is bad. stop it.
1 : test. to remind myself that i can be anonymous again, and i need to be up front with my thoughts instead of pushing them down and hoarding it.
2 : i'm angry that the college admissions process isn't over yet. now i gotta apply to scholarships because my family can't afford to send two dreamers to expensive out-of-state colleges. i'm always angry. i know who i got it from, my dad. he's holding my phone hostage, i can't even talk to my friends (4) or check social media that much. it's been two months without the black mirror. i still feel so alone, and isolated. i can't wait to have another session with my therapist, at least i don't have to worry about emotional repercussions if i fuck up with what i say.
3 : i still wonder if d's worth it. he's stayed this long. he won't leave. no one's lined up to take him, he says. i just want a safety net, to catch me if i make the wrong choice and choose not-him. the not-him is okay, but i feel that he's temporary. i'm scared of his experience with many interesting girls before me.
4 : i think something's broken within me, like my liver or stomach. my heart was burning at both ends last night, as i talked to d. oh he soothes me so. but i don't want to hold onto him and get more thorns stuck in me, poisioning my view of him. my parents hate him for what he's ruptured in me. but i unsurpisingly don't. i just wish he was closer, for me to be close to him, feel his warmth. i want there to be an "us" in the future, but i want it to be physical instead of digital.
5 : they were all right. i'm just a hedgehog. avoidant of any closeness, but yearn for it at the same time. i want instant gratification, instant replies, chasing that high as i talk to someone constantly. searching for a little serotonin. quarantine is making me lust for someone's touch. g put it as "stir crazy" or something. he wasn't wrong. i'm legal now. i can have sex with whomever, as long as they and i use protection. maybe i should give him a chance. he's careful, but he slips up sometimes. i just want an escape. i want to escape.
6 : there's so much i want to do. but it's like the world is against me. my family is passive about the music i make, lyrics and poems i write, that's why i don't show them. i want my own identity, one i crafted myself, not some place on a stage that the puppeteers need filled (as much as i love ayanami, i am no kuudere. push me and i will shove back).